This Thanksgiving I am grateful for…

Earlier this year, I entered Personal Development School. At the time, I was in a lot of emotional pain, desperately searching for meaning, answers, relief. I entered the school with the desire to get over the heartbreak but what I found was something unexpected. I found myself.

From a young age, I learned that when I conform to the rules and please others, I get them to meet MY needs. It was an unconscious belief that kept getting reinforced by my environment.

Growing up, I’d dutifully tend to my mom’s emotional needs to grant her more capacity to take care of me, her kid (not her fault – she did not know she was parentifying me while suffering from her own untreated attachment and mental traumas, passed on generationally by her post-Halaucost family-survivors.) The attunement to her needs, and the positive reinforcement it provided, gave me a false sense of safety and security. I learned to depend on the happiness of others to feel my own “happy” and to focus my energy on “giving” externally instead of internally because that was the only way I knew how to “survive.”

As an adult, I’d rinse and repeat by entering every friendship and relationship by being “on my best behavior.” It was that same survival mechanism that I developed earlier in life: if I nurture and provide for my humans, they’d nurture, like, and accept ME. I believed that deeply on a very unconscious level. 

The change in my conscious awareness happened quite recently. I finally saw the true cost of my insecure attachment patterns: seeking external acceptance and validation entrapped me while providing that to myself was liberational. Accepting, with empathy, the little girl with her learned coping mechanisms and reparenting that child became the first step towards that liberation. Finding and drawing the boundary between where I start and another human begins helps me get in touch with my own needs and stop confusing them with those of others.

And as I am moving through a journey of healing my early childhood attachment trauma, I realize that I’d rather feel the guilt of not being liked by others than abandon my own self. I’d rather deal with conflict on-going, in microdoses, than maintain a false sense of peace, eventually building up resentment for not being seen. That I’d rather show up authentically and not be liked than be validated for being the best “narrative” of myself. 

This Thanksgiving I am grateful for … finding myself. And the person that I found is not perfect. Yet she is beautiful, unique, interesting, smart, kind. Just. The way. She. Is.

Thankful Pizza Crackers

I am not including the exact measurements of the ingredients because this recipe is meant to be more of a guide. Some like more sauce on their “pizzas”, some less. I like a couple of slices of pepperoni on each bite, my kids like just one. Tailor this recipe to your own liking.

• Cappello’s Gluten-Free Lasagna Noodles
• Homemade pizza sauce or premade one
• Turkey or Pork Pepperoni
• Vegan Shredded “Cheese” (or regular if you can do dairy)
• Fresh Basil
• 1 Egg yolk

Directions

1. Warm up the oven to 400
2. Cut each noodle into 3 parts
3. Place a tablespoon (or to taste) of the pizza sauce on each noodle piece and spread it to cover 75% of the area, from the center out
4. Layer a piece (or more) of pepperoni over the sauce
5. Shred some basil leaves and lay it over the pizza squares
6. Sprinkle the “cheese” (optional, it tastes great with or without the “cheese”)
7. Brush the uncovered area of the squares with egg yolk
8. Bake until the edges are brown, or for 10 min

Drink Pairing

I tried this Slovanian wine at a natural wine bar in Santa Barbara and it is now my favorite with these crackers.

I only have one regret in life. It is called Babywise. 

It is 2002 and we are pregnant with our first. We are gifted a book. Babywise. First-time expecting parents, we read the book like a bible, memorizing ideas for raising a healthy independent kid.

Our sweet girl is born. She is beautiful. She lovingly and trustingly gazes into our eyes as we breastfeed, burp, and play with her, every 4 hours, on the clock. At the end of each ritual, we carefully lay our infant down in her crib, quietly tip-toeing out of the room. As soon we close the door, our baby starts crying. I remember that soul-penetrating sound to this day.

Sometimes she cries for hours, while we lean against the door of her room, with our hands clasping our ears. For reassurance, I keep re-reading the page in the book that confirms that we are, indeed, on a path of doing everything to raise a healthy obedient human, as long as we don’t give in to her infant manipulation. Integrate your child into your life; don’t let her rule yours.

2021 and our second kid, now 15, calls us from Camp. He is crying to pick him up 7 days too early. He is miserable. I hear the pain in his heart but the Babywise voice in my ears goes on repeat. He needs to learn to persevere to learn to survive life.

I get off the phone with him; my heart is in knots. I remember that feeling oh so well. I ignore my motherly instincts and make myself go to sleep. In the morning, I wake up and so does my “gut”. I hear my boy’s call for help. The same call we ignored when his sister was a helpless infant. I need you! Please, help me!

5 minutes later, my now-ex-husband and I are in the car, with an 8-hour trip ahead of us, racing to pick up our hurting child while his sister cheers us on the phone, “Kiss him from me, mama and papa.” No. More. Regrets.

Curly Vanka (Ванька кучерявый) cake 

This is a regular version of the cake. For a Keto version, replace flour with almond flour 1-to-1. And Sugar with stevia (you will need 10 drops of stevia per each ½ cup sugar.) For Paleo, follow the Keto version and replace sour cream with vegan sour cream.

Ingredients

Cake layers

• 6 oz Sour Cream 
• 3 large Eggs
• ¾ cup Sugar
• ¾ cup Flour
• 1 tsp Baking Soda
• 1 tbsp Apple Cider Vinegar
• ½ tsp Vanilla
• 3 tbsp Cocoa Powder

Frosting

• 1 ¾ Sour Cream 
• ¾ cup Sugar

Ganache

• ⅓ cup Milk
• 4 tbsp Sugar
• 2 tsp Cocoa powder
• 1 tsp Butter

Directions

Cake layers

1. Preheat oven to 350F.
2. Combine sour cream and vanilla. 
3. Combine baking soda and vinegar. Add to the sour cream mixture until combined.
4. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs and sugar for 15 min over high speed until pale and thick. 
5. Combine eggs with sour cream mixture.
6. Slowly add flour and mix to combine.
7. Pour ½ into a foil-lined springform pan.
8. Add cocoa powder to the remaining batter, stir to combine and pour into the 2nd foil-lined springform pan.
9. Bake for 25-35 min (or until toothpick comes out clean.) Let the layers cool.

Frosting and Ganache

1. For Frosting, beat the sour cream and sugar until well combined. Set aside
2. For Ganache, simmer the first three ingredients until combined. Whisk in the butter. Let ganache cool.

Assembly

1. Place vanilla cake layer on a prepared plate. Set aside.
2. Cut the chocolate layer into uneven small 1-inch cubes. 
3. Dip each cube into the sour-cream mixture.
4. Randomly arrange the cubes over the vanilla cake layer, in the shape of an ant hill.
5. Pour ganache over the top of the cake. Refrigerate overnight. The cake tastes best the next day or the day after.

Drink Pairing

Enjoy this beautiful natural local Camp with a slice of this cake.

It is 7pm on a Friday night. 

My son and I are sitting in the BMW that his dad left for us to use while on a business trip.

The engine is turned off. Russian music is playing on Spotify. My teenager is in the driver’s seat. We’re both quiet, each in our own thoughts. We just came home from dinner at the restaurant. 

I am wearing a dress and my bare knees are folded in the direction of the driver. 

I look down, and, for a second, I am 17, in my boyfriend’s car, in the driveway of my apartment building on 20th Ave and Anza, in San Francisco. He is in the driver’s seat. The engine is turned off. Russian music is playing on the cassette player. We’re both quiet, each in our own thoughts. We just returned from the Lucky Penny diner, where weeks earlier we had our first date.

I look up.  It is 30 years later.  Foster City.  Our son is in the driver’s seat.

Mini Almond Dacquoise Cookies

Ingredients

6 egg whites. from small/medium-sized eggs 
1/2 cups almond flour
Stevia, dry, to taste

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 300°F
2. In a stand mixer, whip egg whites on high, until frothy
3. Add Stevia, with the mixer still running
4. Lower the speed to low (I lowered it to 2) and add the almond flour in 2-3 batches
5. On a cookie sheet, lined with parchment paper, pipe out shapes 
6. Bake for 20 minutes, or until dry and the dacquoises easily pop off without crumbling

Drink pairing

Did anyone say Sparkling wine? This Roederer Estate Brut is so good and goes well with the light and airy cookies.

Rainbow is my favorite color. As if you don’t yet know that :)

When I was a kid, everyone had their favorite. My neighborhood buddy loved Aquamarine. My kindergarten bestie wore everything-purple. My cousin liked orange. I’d always be caught off-guard when asked about my color preference. I just didn’t have one.

It all changed for me when I turned 35. My house is now all shades of the rainbow. From paintings, to walls, to placemats, to clothes, to jewelry, to shoes. It isn’t that I still can’t decide on THE color, in fact, I finally know what (and who) I like and that rainbow IS my favorite color.

Rainbow Fried Cauliflower Rice

Use any veggies you have on hand. I have used Radishes, Green Onion and Garlic, Broccoli, Summer and Winter Squashes, even Avocado.

For meats, you can use pancetta, any cured meats (like duck, beef, or pork salami ), even summer sausage. I’ve also used leftover roasted salmon.

Ingredients

• 1 cup cauliflower, finely chopped with a knife
• 2 oz diced cured duck salami (or pancetta, or salmon)
• ¼ cup spaghetti squash, cooked
• ¼ cup shredded carrots
• ¼ cup shelled English peas
• ¼ cup red onion, chopped
• ¼ cup red pepper, finely chopped
• 1 tbsp Avocado oil
• 2 large eggs, lightly beaten

Directions

1. In a large nonstick skillet, cook duck over medium heat, stirring occasionally, for a few minutes until a thin crust forms.
2. Add the vegetables, stir a few times, and move to a plate. The vegetables should be crisp.
3. Add the oil to the pan and, when it’s hot, add the eggs. Cook until the eggs are set on the bottom and around the edges, then stir, breaking the eggs up into pieces. Add back the vegetables and mix with the eggs quickly, making sure not to overcook the vegetables.
4. Serve with your favorite cup’o’Joe :)

Drink Pairing

Pour yourself your favorite cup of coffee. I am currenting drinking this one.

Life in quarantine is echoing my Soviet life during the Cold War era. Long lines in grocery stores, food deficit, black market prices, political deprivation due to the distrust in the government. 

Summer 1985, Modova. My parents take a train to Odessa, Ukraine, to buy groceries and supplies at Privoz. Privoz is the closest-to-us marketplace for both food and black-market goods. 2 hours by train, 8 hours of browsing through what should’ve originally been available at stores and now reselling at 100x the price at Privoz, they come home, exhausted, with a stick of Jewish Salami, a fresh whole chicken, a box of oranges, 5 green apples, and a new sweater for me. I am happy.

March 2020, California. I drive around from one store to the next, desperately trying to find fresh meat and vegetables, bumping into my just-as-desperate neighbors. I buy the last of the frozen sausages, the kind I’d never keep in my fridge pre-Pandemic. I, then, browse through the online speciality shops and, after hours of searching, I get lucky with a supplier that can ship me enough groceries to last for the next month. For 3x the price. My kids are happy.

Life in quarantine is very reminiscent of my Soviet life. And in quarantine, I feel the urgency of seeking comfort from what provided that comfort to me as a young Soviet kid. Today, I am sharing a recipe for a dessert that my parents brought home each and every time they returned from Privoz.

Sunflower Gozinaki (Oven-Baked Brittle)

Gozinaki is a crunchy Georgian cracker, made with a medley of honey-fried, caramelized nuts. This is my Ketofied version.

Ingridients

• 2 cups Sunflower Seeds, shelled
• ¼  tsp Sea Salt
• 1 tsp Cinnamon
• Stevia (to taste)
• 2 Egg Whites
• ¼ cup Avocado Oil

Directions

• Preheat the oven to 350 and line a baking tray with parchment paper
• Combine the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl
• In a mixer, beat the egg whites with a whisk attachment, until stiff peaks form
• Fold the dry ingredients into the egg white. Add oil. Lightly mix
• Roll the dough as thin as possible between two pieces of parchment paper. Discard the top sheet
• Bake for 20-25 min, or until golden brown

Wine Pairing

I am posting this recipe over Passover 2021. During Passover, you are encouraged to drink 5 glasses of red wine on night 1. And even though I tried really hard to be a good Jew, 5 glasses are too much for me in one sitting, even if it is my favorite Camp Cab.

Top 5 things that make me happy:

1. Morning cup of coffee, in the quiet sleepy house, with MacPro on my lap and pups by my side
2. Loosing to my kid in Chess
3. Reading psychological thrillers, the last thing before I close my eyes at night and first thing in the morning (my newest obsession, surprised me as well!)
4. Deep soulful conversation about anything and everything
5. Bread!

I’ve already shared many bread recipes with you, all of which are on a regular monthly rotation at my house. And, now, I concocted one more, a denser loaf, with a deliciously crunchy crust, that toasts crazy well.

Before I share my newest recipe, here is a recap of all the other Cucee bread variations: 

• Low-carb Paleo Bread (my very first bread experiment that is a bit more cake-like)
• “Whole-Wheat” Keto Bread Buns (that look and taste just like Whole-Wheat bread)
• Sandwich Bread

Crusty Zucchini Toast Bread

Ingredients

• 1.5 cup Yellow Zucchini (2 small/medium or 1 huge)
• 3 large Eggs (4 medium)
• 2 tbsp Olive Oil
• 1/2 cup Warm Water
• 1 cup Almond Flour 
• 2/3 cup Coconut Flour 
• 3 tbsp Psyllium Husk powder
• 4 tsp Baking Powder 
• 1/2 tsp Himalayan Salt
• 1 tsp Pumpkin Seeds to garnish (optional)

Instructions

1. Combine everything in a food processor and blend until smooth. 
2. Move to the parchment-lined 9.5-inch loaf pan.
3. Bake in the 375-degree oven for 30 minutes, or until the top is golden brown.
4. Remove from the oven and carefully lift the loaf out of the pan by the edges of the parchment paper.
5. Remove the paper and cool on the wire rack for 1/2 an hour.
6. Store slices in the refrigerator or freezer.
7. Serving suggestions: eat it sliced, toasted, or untoasted. 

Drink pairing

Bread (with butter) + hot tea is my ultimate childhood comfort-food pairing. Now that I can make my own “meat butter,” I get to enjoy this duo often.

And this is my newest favorite tea.

Life in the Soviet Union was oppressive. To survive, you had to look and act like everyone else. You had to first culturally assimilate. And then culturally separate. Jews hung out with Jews. Russians with Russians. Moldavians with Moldavians.

When we unpacked our Soviet suitcases in our new American home in San Francisco, we learned the beauty of acceptance. We learned to embrace the differences in others, and in ourselves. And with this acceptance came integration and cultural adaptation. People of one background adopting the beautiful customs and artifacts of other cultures.

This recipe is the result of my living in the states. Russian Stewed Cabbage meets Irish Braised Cabbage, in the celebration of St. Patrick’s day. Happy St Patties!

Russian-Irish Braised Sauerkgraut Cabbage

Ingredients

• 1 medium-sized Cabbage, shredded
• ½ cup Bone Broth
• 12 oz Dill Garlic Sauerkraut
• 1 medium Yellow Onion, chopped
• 2 tsp Sea Salt
• 1 tsp Black Pepper
• 2 tbsp Apple Cider Vinegar
• 8 oz Tomato Sauce
• 1 Bay Leaf
• 2 tbsp Avocado Oil, for the onions

Instructions

1. On the stove or in the Instapot, heat the oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring frequently, until they are soft and golden-brown.
2. In the Instapot, add bone broth, sauteed onions, cabbage, sauerkraut, salt, pepper, vinegar, tomato sauce, and bay leaf. Cook on high pressure for 15 minutes. Quick-release to let the steam out. 
3. Stir cabbage. Season with more salt and fresh ground pepper, to taste.
4. Serve with Corned Beef.

Drink Pairing

Russians would pair this with Vodka, Irish would pair it with Jameson Irish Whiskey. Pick your favorite, just do not pick both :)

I am a Jew. Good Jews do not eat pork. 

My whole life I’ve been Good. I was a Good daughter, a Good student, a Good friend, a Good wife, a Good Jew. My middle name is Borisovna but it should have really been Good. Faina Good Shpiler.

I was programmed to be Good from the day my mom brought me home from the hospital. In a family of frequent conflict and mental illness, I was obedient. I made sure I caused no issues between my parents, and I made sure I made them proud.

Lifted out of my safety at the age of 12, and dropped into a country whose language I did not understand, I did not rebel. I just quietly cried into my pillow and convinced myself that was happiness.

As a teenager, I navigated life by passionately agreeing with those whose language I did not understand. 

I married another Good Jew and, together, we were really really Good.

We had many friends and empathetically tended to all their needs, each Saturday and Sunday, with food and wine, for many years. Our friends liked us. We liked us. We were really Good.

We birthed a really Good daughter. 

And a son; he was not Good. He was not like us. He was Jacob! He was unique and he pleased nobody but himself! And that was Good.

With Jacob, I was born. I could no longer stay Good forever. I realized that if I remain Good, I remain Dead. I needed to hear the sound of my own voice. And when I finally spoke, I yelled,  “I no longer want to be Good. I want to be Me! Unapologetically Real Me!”

Unapologetically, Pork Belly Butter with Roasted Garlic (Whipped Сало)

Whipped Salo

Salo (сало) is the traditional Ukrainian delicacy, made of cured pork fat.

Ingridients

• 4 cloves garlic, peeled 
• 1/2 lb salo, store-bought or made at home (recipe below) 
• 1 tbsp Russian mustard or regular 
• CuceeSprouts bread (for serving)

Directions

1. Prehead oven to 350°F.
2. Wrap the garlic in aluminum foil and roast in the oven for 20-30 min. Let it cool.
3. Wash the access salt off the salo. 
4. Trim off the skin and meat. 
5. Roughly chop the fat and add to the food processor with the mustard. Whip, using short pulses, until everything is well incorporated and the mixture is smooth and fluffy. This should take just a few mins.
6. Keep in the refrigerated. Serve cold with CuceeSprouts bread.

Homemade Salo (recipe)

You can buy Salo at any Russian Grocery store. Or you can make it yourself, very very easily!

Ingridients

• 2 lb organic pork belly
• 2 cups sea salt
• 4 garlic cloves, sliced
• 2 tsp black pepper
• CuceeSprouts bread (for serving)

Directions

1. Place the pork belly on a cutting board and let it sit for at least an hour at room temperature.
2. Mix salt and pepper together.
3. Fill about an inch of glass container with salt and pepper mixture and place bacon on top. Layer bay leaves and garlic on top and cover it fully with salt.
4. Cure in the fridge for 3-4 days.
5. Serve cold with CuceeSprouts bread. 

Drink pairing

There is a belief that if you coat your stomach with fat, you won’t have as big of a hangover the next day. So, Ukrainians serve Salo with Vodka. I am not a Vodka-kinda-girl so I recommend this incredible Tequila with the whipped salo. Mexico meets Ukraine :)

Growing up in Moldova, I was responsible for buying bread, daily. This was my chore. Fresh bread would get delivered at Five in the afternoon and I had to get to the store a few minutes before or it would be gone. 

The bakery itself was located only 3 blocks away, right outside my grade school. I know because I’d often sneak out of my classes to get myself a warm soft булочка (bun). 

So when the clock would turn 4:45 pm, my bestie and I would leave the dolls with our friends and head to the Bread Store – Хлебный. Our parents would each give us 12 Копеек (12 Kopecks,) the exact change for one white loaf. By the time we’d get home, my loaf would look like swiss cheese – I’d eat all the soft insides and bring back the “whole-y” crust. My dad would get really mad at me – bread was the main food group in our family and, now, we’d be out of bread until tomorrow at 5 pm. The next day, history repeated itself. For years. Until finally my parents gave me enough money to buy two loaves. 

Sandwich Bread

Note on psyllium powder: it sometimes shifts the color of the baked goods to purple. If that happens to you (like it did to me with this batch), don’t sweat it – it won’t alter the taste or texture.

This bread toughens up a bit and forms a crispy crust when left uncovered. If you like it soft and bread-like, keep it in a bag.

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup unflavored egg white protein powder
• 1 tbsp psyllium husk powder
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 4 eggs, separated
• 1/2 cup unsweetened smooth almond butter
• 1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk
• 1 tsp sea salt

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350F
2. Combine the egg white protein, psyllium husk powder, salt, and baking powder in a small bow. Mix
3. In a different bowl, combine the nut butter, egg yolks, and almond milk and beat until well combined. Add the wet ingredients to the dry, and mix again
4. In a third bowl (I use my KitchenAid mixer for this,) beat the egg whites until stiff peaks form.
5. Fold the egg whites into the rest of the mixture gently until smooth. Pour into a lined (or silicone) 9×5-in loaf pan
6. Bake for 45 min. Cool and serve

Drink Pairing

It’s winter and I enjoy chasing bread down with warm tea. I like it so much that I have over a dozen different teas at home – the newest addition is Equal Exchange Earl Grey that I get at Imperfect Produce

Many MANY years ago, my ex-husband and I were invited to his parents’ house for dinner. His family was visiting from Chicago and his uncle Eugine (Женя) made us delicious egg-coated chicken.

You know it was good if I still remember it, over 25 years later. 

I tried to recreate the recipe at home many MANY times. In his version, he coated the chicken in flour before drenching the whole thing in egg and frying low’n’slow. Without the flour, the egg just would not stick in my own experiments. So after multiple flour-free attempts, I gave up on the chicken, keeping it as a delicious yet distant memory.

A few days ago, I stumbled upon The 50 Best Recipes of 2020 article on Epicurious and one caught my eye – a Filipino Eggplant Omelet – mostly because I had about 100 large eggplants in my garage fridge, waiting to be consumed. It was 8 a.m. when the recipe piqued my curiosity. My kids, whose rooms are in close proximity to the garage, were still sound asleep and I did not want to awaken them to satisfy my curiosity. 

Suddenly, I remembered that I had a couple of already baked eggplant slices in the kitchen fridge from the Hanukkah party. So while the house was still quiet, I decided to try a technique described in the article on these prebaked slices.

It only took a few minutes. And as I bit into the eggplant, memories flooded my mind and belly. The eggplant, drenched an egg, was very reminiscent of Eugine’s chicken, with an even better texture and flavor: salty, rich, vegetarian, crispy on the outside, creamy on the inside.

Eggplant Schnitzel

Ingredients

• 1 Globe Eggplant, trimmed, unpeeled, and sliced into ½ inch slides
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp Sea salt
• 1 tsp Black pepper
• 1 tbsp (+ more for frying) Avocado oil

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400F
2. Arrange the eggplant slices on an extra-large baking sheet in a single layer, brush with a tablespoon of Avocado oil, and roast for 30 min, or until soft and golden
3. Transfer the slices to the cooling rack and cool for 15 min or overnight
4. In the meantime, beat the eggs with a fork or a whisk. Transfer to a shallow bowl
5. Dredge each eggplant slice in the egg. Press on them and flip a few times to make sure the slices absorb enough of the egg. You can leave the slices in the bowl for 5-10 min to maximize the absorption
6. Heat 1/2 inch oil in a heavy bottom skillet
7. Salt and pepper on one side of the slices. Place 3-4 slices gently into the hot oil, salted side down, and season the other side
8. Fry the eggplant slices for 1-2 minute on each side

Wine Pairing

Well, if you are planning to make this for breakfast (and I highly suggest to), I’d serve it with this Earl Grey. But if you plan to serve it alongside a dinner protein, may I suggest this Cabernet?